My Mate Bill .....

My mate Bill - he’s in a right mess. He married this massive, uncaring dominatrix; a condescending control-freak obsessed with money and power: constantly making rules, telling him what he can buy and where from and taking loads of money from his wages before he even sees it.

She lets strangers into the house - but keeps them well away from her separate suite. They use all his stuff; sponge off him. Some help a bit around the house but most are just blood-sucking wasters from various run-down parts of the country. She says it’s only fair that everyone is equal, but of course takes care to ensure that she isn’t part of THAT particular equation. In the end, his house was just crammed full but she insisted on even more coming in. He couldn’t even CHOOSE who came in! People used to just wander in off the ferry ....... He tried to have it out with her; lay down the law, sort of “renegotiate”, but she just ridiculed him. I asked him why he had ever married such a harridan and he said: “Well, it seems like I had no choice at the time; the senior members of my family all said it was for the best as I couldn’t manage on my own ....”

... BUT AT LAST, HE HAS SNAPPED and decided to kick her out.

No chance of a conciliatory divorce, though! She’s absolutely furious at his no longer refusing to take orders. In a way it’s understandable; she’d have to give up loads of luxuries she’s been enjoying at his expense; get rid of her fleet of cars, sell one of the palaces and the private jet and so on. Even so, she’s making constant threats; going to make him pay for years even after he leaves. Apparently, she has some sisters just like her and wants to set an example for their equally-oppressed husbands in case they, too, get the wrong idea.

Well, Bill is determined to make a fresh start, but it’s complicated. She is trying to get all the furniture and money, but has left behind a yappy, snappy, snarly, smelly, flea-ridden, mongrel dog, called 'Scotland'. Scotland hates him and just sits in the corner of the lounge, growling at him - and he of course is still stuck with the food and vet’s bills. How he ever got involved with Scotland is a mystery. “We found it outside the house one day,” he said. “It was sitting there all thin and useless, so I took pity on it. It wasn’t too bad at first but got progressively more whiney and snarly - now it does nothing but consume vast quantities of food and despite this just snarls and growls. I think it wants to go with the Missus, but understandably, she doesn’t want it. I mean, who would? I can’t stand the thing, but how on earth will it manage on its own? I mean, it has no redeeming features AT ALL.”

His cat Wales on the other hand is OK - a bit whingey at times but generally minds its own business, though it makes strange noises from time to time; some sort of weird cat language nobody has ever heard before. And then there’s the rabbit called NI ....... he lives in the back garden but has never been the same since he was ravaged by the neighbour’s rabid dog called ROI. Bill doesn’t know WHAT to do with NI: “Putting him down would be the best option,” he said - “or feeding him to ROI!” (I think he was joking). For the moment he’s just going to leave him in the garden and pretend he doesn’t exist. Who knows, ROI might even make friends with him one day (assuming he doesn't eat him ...).

A more pressing problem is the giant and overflowing septic tank at the back of the house which they nicknamed LONDON after its manufacturer. This has been full for many years and more recently invaded by noxious and uncontrollable pests which even natural selection has been unable to wipe out. The local council say that nothing can be done about it; it will just get bigger and bigger until the pests take over completely and invade the house .... "Once you let them gain a foothold," said the local pest controller, "you've had it ...."

Still, Bill is trying to look on the bright side. The hideous witch controlling his life for so long has at least buggered off even if she is still trying to make as much trouble as she can. Once he has got a few big, strong workmen in to deal with LONDON his house should be much more habitable, and a bonus is that she won’t have his Missus’ numerous and vile brothers coming round to pontificate and patronise him. No, Bliar, Mandelscum, Camergone, Salamond and her two cousins Farrgone and Cloggup will have to bore someone else with their pearls of wisdom.

I think Bill will be OK once the dust has settled, and the thought of his Missus making someone ELSE’S life hell for a change is a bonus. And then he will keep a lot more of his own money and be able to buy grub and stuff where he wants, including a more plentiful choice of fish at a lower price. WELL DONE BILL for making the break. As I told him, “You know it makes sense.”