Perkins & the Dodgy Expenses

Good morning, Sir ....

Is it, Perkins?

Oh Dear .... what's happened now, Sir?

It's this dratted expenses nonsense.

Nonsense, Sir? Then why are the police involved again?


Yes, Sir. They're also investigating the mysterious unthinking think-tank remember?

Oh yes, I'd forgotten that.

There's a rumour going round the canteen that the police are going to set up an incident room on the terrace of the House of Commons, Sir.

On the terrace?

Yes Sir. The idea is to save time going to and fro' the house; deal with the criminals, sorry MPs, in batches - benefit from economies of scale sort of thing ....

Perkins! That's the kind of silly rumour started by malicious gossips. I'm surprised you even listen to such tittle-tattle.

But you must admit it's a rum do, Sir - using public money to finance his son's university education!

But Perkins, it was only his expenses that he used!

That money is supposed to be used - if I may say so - for expenses, Sir.

But those WERE expenses, Perkins! Goodness, you are being obtuse, today. When your son goes to university you certainly have expenses, I can tell you!

I meant his parliamentary expenses, Sir.

Oh really, Perkins. If we're going to start nit-picking over every £ in every expense account in the HOC then where will we be?

I don't know where we'll be, Sir, but I know where the police will be and where half of our illustrious MPs will end up ........

But Perkins, we're talking about money already earmarked for expenses. Once it's allocated then it doesn't really exist any more; it's virtually spent!

Well, it seems this money was actually spent, Sir - and after all, it was public money, Sir!

Public money? What on earth are you talking about, Perkins! It was the government's money!

But it came from the public, Sir!

Aha! Got you there, Perkins. Granted it WAS the public's money originally but once it left their bank accounts it became Government money! Surely you can see the distinction?

I'm sorry, Sir. I didn't go to public school ....